Who willingly goes BACK into prison? Me I suppose….
The night before my first visit back to Perryville, I told myself I was fine. I had done three and a half years behind those walls. What was a four hour visit going to do to me? I had this in the bag. And then I turned onto Cotton Lane…
When I pulled into that parking lot, something shifted. The familiar sight of those fields, that signage, the dust. It all came rushing back. I sat in my truck for a moment and thought, who actually does this? Who gets out of prison and willingly drives back? Apparently me….
I pulled myself together, shook off the anxiety and walked through security. Finally, there she was, my sister in-law. The woman who had no idea that when she handed me her brothers address, she was handing me my entire future. We found our spot at a picnic table outside, just like old times, and started talking. And laughing. And reminiscing. And somewhere in between all of that, I forgot where I was.
It wasn't until I looked around and realized there were no other visitors that it hit me. The visitor area had cleared out. It was just us. And in a split second I thought, “oh my gosh! I am not an inmate anymore!”. Am I stuck here? I looked at her and said, “sister, everybody left. What are we gonna do?” We both took off running inside laughing hysterically and terrified, then at last found the line of visitors waiting to exit. We had been sitting out there like it was 2016, like no time had passed, like we still lived there. Except this time, I got to leave.
I share this story because if you have a loved one at Perryville and you are nervous about walking through those gates for the first time, I get it. I have been on both sides of that visitation room. I know what it feels like to be the one in orange waiting, and I know what it feels like to be the one in the parking lot trying to talk yourself into walking in. You are not alone in either feeling. If you need someone to walk you through what to expect before that first visit, that is exactly what I am here for.
